This is a rambly informal sort of list of things you should know about me before you really invest into being my friend or possibly pursuing a romantic relationship idk
Like if you want to be more than vague acquaintances, if you're going to invest ANY feelings in me, you should know this shit I think.
Like a list of my flaws and shit so you can know if you should get out while you still can haha
Alright, here goes
Number one, and definitely one of the more important ones:
I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
So what does this mean exactly? Well to put it simply, I'm a little unstable and indecisive in pretty much every way possible.
I have problems with regulating emotions and thoughts, I sometimes engage in impulsive and reckless behavior, and I often have unstable relationships with other people.
People with BPD have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, and suicidal behaviors. I have all of the above.
I take meds for the depression and anxiety to help keep me stable, and it makes me feel about halfway normal, so it works pretty well, but that doesn't change the fact that I never feel quite right.
I've attempted suicide three times in my life so far. [Clearly I'm not very good at it, because I'm still here.] I've cut, burned myself[with both fire and boiling water], starved myself, slammed myself into things, pinched and hit myself, scraped my skin against cement or sandpaper, and bitten through my skin.
It's been a few months since the last time I've done any of that because I'm on meds now and they do indeed genuinely help, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it sometimes.
So a number two/kinda part of number one still, is I'm impulsive, and indecisive.
Things I'm indecisive about:
My gender and sexuality.
It's possible that my sexuality and gender are both partially caused by my emotional and mental instability.
Being genderfluid, sometimes I feel feminine, and the idea of wearing skirts or cute clothes, of being called things like princess, of having long hair and fingernails, of wearing makeup and having breasts and being seen and thought of in feminine ways makes me feel sexy and comfortable. Sometimes it makes me happy.
However this is very rarely, as most of the time even the THOUGHT of any of the above makes me feel nauseated and dysphoric. Sometimes I feel masculine and desperately need to be seen as male. I feel it necessary to reject all semblances of feminine nature just to feel comfortable in my own skin.
But most of the time I feel neutral, and okay with that.
Saying I'm pansexual is just a nice little umbrella term I use because if I were to stop and explain my sexuality and romantic inclinations to you, we'd take all week I mean damn!
I often feel like I must be more attracted to men because most of my go to fantasies are men, most of my wet dreams are with men, most of my celebrity crushes are on men, etc etc. But if I stop and think about it, I'm more likely to be attracted to a more femme person because I'm less picky with girls and nonbinary folk than men, I enjoy sex with girls and am usually more comfortable with girls or nonbinary people, and I'm more romantically inclined towards women.
But that's just usually
because sometimes all of that changes around and it's frustrating to try and keep up, believe me.
I'm starved of touch, attention, and affection, but often feel disgusted by the idea of people actually touching me, or showing me affection.
I love animals and always want to cuddle them, but once I am, it doesn't take long before all I can think of is all the germs/bacteria/dander/hair/grease/etc is transferring between the animal and myself.
I've actually thrown up because I overslept and woke up feeling dirty because it had been too long since my last shower or bath. I bathe twice a day.
Sometimes the idea of food makes me feel sick, sometimes I want to eat my entire kitchen.
I'm really bad at taking care of myself, I've been known to forget to take meds, eat, and even sleep for days at a time.
I don't usually have a problem staying hydrated because I like hydration, so I drink a lot, spend hours in the tub, and love the rain.
Sometimes I physically can't bring myself to talk to people, and I'll stay locked up in my room making no contact with anyone for days at a time. Sometimes I'll spend weeks making minimal contact because I'm just too tired.
I over sleep a lot, and honestly spend most of my time wishing I were asleep because usually I'd rather be unconscious.
Sometimes I feel so many emotions so strongly I want to die, and sometimes I'd give anything just to feel SOMETHING, but I can't.
Things you'll have to be able to handle, or accept:
- It's most likely that I'll always put Jason before you. He's been my best friend for ten years, and he's the most important person in my life, and I'm sorry, but that probably won't change anytime soon.
- If it starts raining, there's a large possibility that I'll suddenly leave without informing you, because I went outside to be in the rain. It makes me feel at home; it makes me feel safe, and i need more of that in my life okay? I'm very impulsive about rain, I've been known to suddenly decide to go for a walk when it's raining, or go dance in the rain, or just sit on the porch and get poured on.
Once at three in the morning I walked like a quarter mile to the park in my underwear just because it was raining and I wanted to be in it.
- Just because something is okay now, doesn't mean it'll still be okay later; alternatively, just because it isn't okay now, doesn't mean it won't be later. So be sure to ask a lot.
- If I suddenly want to stop talking, or drop the conversation, it just means I can't do it anymore. It's a me thing that has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally, I'll get back to you eventually.
- Sometimes I lie about liking things, not liking things, or being okay with things on impulse, and then feel too guilty to admit it a minute later when I no longer want to be in the lie. oops
- Sometimes I just want to sit in silence in your presence, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to talk, i just want to be able to feel you're there for me.
- If you need me to be there for you, I will force myself to do it, but if it doesn't feel like you need me to be there and I'm not really up for it, I won't.
So yes if you need to talk, I'm always there to listen because I NEED to be there for my friends and loved ones, but if I seem to fade out of the conversation once the problem's solved, it's not because I'm annoyed with you or something, I'm just tired.
- Hint: I'm almost always tired.
- I'm often really affectionate, because trust me if you're my friend at all, I love you. But sometimes I can't stand the thought of being touched, so please check with me first.
- I can barely control and take care of myself, so even though I put on a good show of confidence and have a laid back attitude about most things, the idea of having too much control over someone terrifies me.
- you have to be able to kill wasps and spiders because I will cry almost every time.
- okay you don't have to be able to kill spiders and wasps- just DON'T expect ME to do it, because I'll cry, they scare me.
- by barely control and take care of myself, I meant that really I CAN'T take care of myself, and I OVER control myself to compensate.
- sometimes I'm extremely sexual, and sometimes sex[involving me] makes me uncomfortable and I don't want to talk about it or do it.
- i have nightmares a lot, but I have more night terrors while I'm day dreaming.
- I'm both socially anxious and socially paranoid.
- I sometimes hate myself, and you're not going to change that, so don't try to, just reassure me that YOU don't hate me.
Every relationship I've ever had, whether sexual, romantic, or platonic, that has failed, did so because of me. They crashed and burned because I'm too much for most people to deal with, and I'm sorry.